Halt the Hustle

"Katrina, Katrina, you are worried about many things. Come sit close to Me."

I left the dishes in the sink and wandered over to my son's bookshelf and found one of their Bible picture books, and found the familiar story of Martha and her sister Mary in Luke 10. I sat on the floor and wept.

"But I need to work, Jesus. Their dad isn't paying child support, you know full well." I felt bad for complaining.

I deserve this, I failed. I was disobedient with relationships you warned me about. I thought to myself.

"You are my Beloved. I won't leave you. I am your provider."

The deceiver had me doubt for a moment that it was Jesus whispering these reassuring words, and I thought it could be me wishing He spoke. It was in Scripture though. My mind switched to fear of being in survival mode again. I hated complaining and wishing my life was different, and had an urge to act quick to come up with a plan.

But my Saviour had time for me, He listened patiently. I was led to read the verse over and over and heard Him calm my anxious heart. "Few things are needed -- or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." I meditated on that. I wanted more of Jesus. His way, His will, not mine. My ways had only caused more pain.

Then I felt guilty, I didn't want my relationship with Jesus to be put aside anymore or become least important compared to work, family and entertainment. I was tired of striving. My Lord knew the people who let me down at the job I had quit just months before, and the man who I returned the engagement ring to before that. He asked me to forgive them again.

God never said the weapons wouldn't form, He said they wouldn't prosper.

-Stasi Eldredge

I was getting better at forgiving. Memories and dreams of my former abusive husband often disturbed me, and when I asked God why I had them years after our separation, He led me to forgive once more and let go of a desire for my ex to be punished.

In His kindness and patience, Jesus was uncovering another layer, another lie I had believed as a young girl: That there wouldn't be enough if I didn't hustle. I saw my parents hustle. They were always burnt out. DIY-type who do their own renovations. Since I heard compliments only when I got a high mark on a test or played a song on my violin without mistakes, I formed that belief that I was only acceptable and liked when I was productive and successful.

"You're not a failure, my daughter. I am making all things new. Will you trust me?"

I held onto those words. I started getting ideas to share my testimony, though afraid of certain people's judgments. I asked for a way to share God's truth and work flexible hours. I asked for courage and Holy Spirit's guidance.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Matthew 6:33